For my first piece, I wanted to create a feeling of fear and anxiety, as well as showing how ‘normal’ it is for the character (Mu). I chose a market/store because it is a place that I go often, and so being in it is an everyday sort of experience. In the piece, she is stalked by a dark creature that represents how fear and anxiety follows her even in situations that don’t actively trigger it.

In this one, I wanted to show her fighting against a monster in a candy shop. It isn’t clear if she’s winning, but either way the shop around them is being destroyed. In this way, I hoped to represent how the battle against mental problems and emotions can inadvertently lead to hurting yourself while you struggle against it.

As we reach the halfway point in the class, I want to begin building up Mu’s story to the extreme. In this one, I hoped to portray the guilt that comes after a relapse of self-destructive habits and how she blames herself instead of being able to blame a monster like the others. After the high, I wanted to show her low with darker eyes again and less of a manic energy.

All pieces are 12’ by 16’ (#14 is 16’ by 12’ and #2 is 12’ by 15’) and made digitally using Procreate.

This piece is meant to show an inner ‘version’ of Mu that is trying to break out. It represents a part of her that is controlled by fear and paranoia and is more dangerous to others.

This piece is a direct sequel to ‘Cavities’, showing the aftermath of Mu beating the teeth monster. It shows how ultimately, although she won the fight, she has suffered more than the monster did.

This piece is meant to draw on the feelings from the previous one and show the vulnerability that comes when your relapse is public or is in exposed to other people. It feels very violating.

This piece is a direct sequel to the second piece. In this one, I wanted to imply that one of the girls (either Inner Mu or Outer Mu) killed the other. This is not literal, since they just represent different parts of Mu, but I wanted it to be ambiguous which one it was. It takes place in a laundromat since laundromats are interesting liminal spaces for me.

This sustained investigation piece is meant to represent the sense of vanity that comes when one is self-destructive in a mental spiral. In a way, the behaviors that are harmful end up being glorified in one’s mind, and the act of hurting oneself seems dramatic and tragically important instead of sad and painful like it is.

This piece focuses more on anxiety, particularly the experience of having a panic attack. I wanted to show the temperature changes in your body and the feeling of being unable to breathe through having Mu’s head in a plastic bag.

With this piece, I wanted to show the feeling of overstimulation. For many people with anxiety or other mental health issues, overstimulation is common and causes normal sensory information to become overwhelming. I showed this through there being a waterfall of molten gold covering Mu’s face and filling her eyes and mouth.

This piece is about my personal struggle with letting go of the idea of self destruction and depression as something beautiful and dramatic and romantic. A big barrier in my recovery was accepting that I had to stop being that kind of person. That tragic ideal was what I wanted to be, but it was leading me further from being healthy. This piece is about the decision to live life inconsequentially and not be dramatic and beautiful in return for being able to be myself.

This piece is meant to represent the feeling of mania caused by being distressed, or through catharsis from self-destructive behavior. It can feel like everything is going well, but it’s all very fragile and unsustainable.

For the final piece in my investigation, I made one that is about hope and being able to look forward. The parts of Mu from the past are still there, and are not gone, but they have come together to create her final self. She is able to move on and approach the world with a new view.

This piece represents the choice that every struggling person has to make when it comes to whether they are willing to get better or not. One of my strongest beliefs is that no matter how hard you try, you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Each person needs to choose between dedicating their energy to getting better or allowing themselves to slip lower into depression and sadness. I want Mu to choose to get better because I hope it can motivate me and other people to make the same choice.

This is an example of the thumbnails and concepts I made for my pieces. This concept eventually became piece #14.